Birthday and reviews

My baby girl is 4 today. It's also been over 4 years today that I've seen A in CA. (I think she flew to CA the day princess was born.)

It's gone by so fast! I am so very, very thankful for my splash of pink in a mostly camouflage oriented household. She is so very precious to me. When people would tease me about whether or not I wanted a girl--since I'd had 4 boys first--I think I would say I had given up but that if God did send me a girl, it would be like He had showered me with gold from Heaven. When I think of that night (she was born at 11:30pm), it is indeed like remembering a shower of gold from Heaven. All my births have a special memories about them--hers was just that it was so amazing that Lucien and I really truly and honestly had a baby girl. We still find it hard to believe 4 years later.

It was also the only time I've used castor oil. I'd been about 5 cm dilated for quite a while and I was so anxious AND my cnm was about to go on vacation. At any rate, it did work. The hard labor part with her was about 1.5-2 hours and thus quite frantic, but I wanted so badly to have her before midnight and God answered my prayer. Why before midnight? My birthday is July 9 and my mom's is July 20--My Emilia's is July 29. Makes sense doesn't it? ;0)

I've been wanting to steer away from so much plastic in the house so I bought her a wooden dress up princess from Melissa and Doug toys. Think paper doll only on 1/2 inch thick wood with a stand and dresses and stuff also on very thin wood with a magnet backing that helps it stick. She loves it. It was inexpensive. I give it 2 thumbs up. I got hers at Amaz*n in case you care to get one.

The Leapfrog dvd's are working out SO well. Did I say it's a set of 5? Also on Amaz*n. Boy 5 likes to watch too. And intently. There are few things one can count on 'littles' watching and this is, for us, one of them. The other is a Sing along dvd from Disn*y called Pongo and Perdita. I used to have it on video tape when I had just 2 boys and if I needed a short nap or a shower--it was my ticket. My olders now find it irritating and annoying, but I remind them how much they loved it once. I had to replace it on dvd because it wore out. I'm not saying I use it as an electronic babysitter daily or even weekly, but if one has been up all night with a sick child and desperately needs a few winks.... It sends me right off--I'll be in the same room of course and they intently watch and I get a few minutes rest. Or if I need a shower, works good for that too. I am not sure what it is about it. We've had other singalongs and they are not quite so magical.

I think everyone must be at the beach since readership and comments are down. I'll still be here when y'all get back. ;0)

We watched Kuch Kuch Hota Hai (I think that is the spelling) yesterday. From Netfli*. It's Bollyw*od and much like the one I own (Come, Fall in Love)-many of the same actors, same length, etc. It was sappy, corny, utterly predictable in places, and yet....I loved it. I may just have to buy it. I have several others in my queue with same actors and I'm totally looking forward to them--even tho princess makes me read the subtitles :0) Small warning--there is a few swear words--there is no rating, so hard to tell.

Since I have 2 old enough to babysit and baby is almost 18 months, I'm allowed to run out for quick errands alone. That's huge, isn't it? Anyway, I buzzed out to mail the movies back and pick up a package from amazon--Leapfrog dvds set of 5. (They're a big hit--well worth the money. Teaches letters, sounds, etc) Our post office is infamously slow. We hate going there for any reason, but the mail carrier will not drive up the lane to deliver packages. Therefore, I've seen certain people at the PO often.

One lady has skin the opposite color of mine and has such a presence. I'm not a good judge of age but she's at least in late 40's. When she's happy, you know it, when she's tense you know it. At Christmas time, when the line is always out the door, she's mostly tense. ;0) Today, she didn't seem to be there in an actual official capacity and she was nearly joyfully bubbling. As a result, those waiting (always people waiting) were happy, kind to each other, almost patient.

Obviously, there are days where it's impossible for us hide whatever stress we are bearing. But how many days do we ruin the atmosphere around us being tense or upset over unimportant things. Lord, help me to make a loving, happy atmosphere daily......

Irony

The story of what killed my hanging plant just seems to get worse. Last night, we had seen all the baby birds happy and doing well. They seemed to be hopping about the flower pot and everything. This morning, they were all dead. So I let my flowers die. for. nothing. And tho, I figured at least I'd get the nest as a handy science thing--oldest said he had to burn it all since he didn't know why they died.

My biggest 4 are going to a camp out this evening. Lucien was supposed to go also as it is a father/son thing but we were told it's fine for them to go without him and they are over the moon excited to go. Three of them were up at 6:30am. In our house, that is considered miraculous behavior. I make them set the alarm for 7:30am and often it has been ignored. Lucien kinda trained them into not ignoring it while he was home. Yay! Anyway. It will be an odd evening for me. Only 2 children in the house? Whatever shall I do?

We're planning a double birthday party for next Friday. Princess is 4 on the 29th and boy4 is 7 on 8/7 and neither of them have had any sort of party. It's been a long time since we planned one so we're having fun with that. Takes some of the focus away from missing Lucien.

The oldest 2 and I watched The Patriot this week. It was very sad, but we still liked it a lot.

What killed my hanging plant and other pics

I rushed to get the camera to takea pic of HIM pushing HER but they switched. Still very cute!

She can ride well with the training wheels--still good for nearly 4, right?

Here are the culprits!

Can you imagine the pressure of feeding that bunch? At least her food sources are free...lol What huge mouths--beaks, whatever!

Moderation and other stuff

Lucien made it to Maine safely and his van ran well. Praise God. Usually when he has gone on jobs like these, they pay him per diem to get food and lodging but this company gets the room for each guy working out of town. Therefore, he is unable to try to 'save' that money by sleeping in his van or some other place that scares me silly. I am so grateful for that!

I had wondered all last week what in the world was wrong with me. So tired and unable really to look at this time apart again and feel that I could manage. I should have had more of clue when I could not control myself around chocolate the last few days of the week. And I got more and more tense and really weepy about Lucien leaving. After I have a baby, I go months and months on this nice hormonal even keel and then, sometime around now, the hormones start to want to work again but in fits and I get a nice surprise attack of PMS. Woo hoo! not. I suppose it's a good reminder that I'm human.

I guess I'll be focusing on moderation in all things during this time he's away again. Try to balance things out. Less desserts, less computer, less brain candy. More steady books, more prayer, more one on one time with whomever is the squeaky wheel of the day (smile).

Yellowjackets

We all feel like summer ended today when he drove away. Please keep praying that he can be called back home soon. I'm thinking the next couple of days will be hard so we'll stay close to home until we re-adjust. I am so thankful tho that we had a great 2 months. So much done and so much fun all together.

Last night we were out having a picnic when suddenly some of the other girls and princess were racing toward us just howling. Princess had been stung and I grabbed a napkin and cold water and was trying to doctor it when I realized the yellowjackets were all around us and then she was being stung again and I was being stung and it really began to feel like a horror movie, really. We ran toward Lucien and he knocked another one off my arm before I got stung again and then we ran for the van-- After I had whipped princess' dress off to be sure there were none stuck under. (One time when pianoman was 6 or 7 a wasp got stuck under his t-shirt and he was stung 7 times before I realized what was happening and whipped it off.)

I really hate those times as a parent when I am so out of control of the situation. Add to that the memory of the time I stepped into a yellowjackets' nest when I was about princess' age and the howling of a bunch of little girls and WOW. What a time! I think I was a bit in shock for a little while. Princess was stung on her forehead, her arm, and 2 on one leg. We came home and I put her in the bath. (On the way home we kept hanging wet napkins out the window to make them cold and putting them on the stings.) Then some cream and benedryl and she slept well all night and today just 2 of them are itchy--the other 2 are all better. Interesting note: Lucien was the only one without even one sting.

So mom, tell us about the time I was stung..

Unless God provides another way before 5pm today, my husband will once again be working out of state and leaving tomorrow. I am very thankful that he has the opportunity and thankful that the offer came on his birthday as I had prayed but I do find it ironic that the offer came from his old boss in Maine. They understand that it would be temporary --just until he hears that the big nearby job is ready to hire pipe welders. Having been through what we went through last winter--temporary is still enough to nearly break my heart.

Anyway. I need to pull myself together and find the strength for the long haul should temporary turn into a couple months. Please pray for that strength and safety for my husband.

On a lighter note, yesterday while princess and I were working on tracing some squares (which I suspect she was not enjoying--don't worry, I'm not forcing her to do school!) she said she couldn't trace anymore because of her hand hurting. When I asked her why her hand hurt, she said because of the worms. So then we had a small science lesson on what those worms in our hands are about (and I let her give up on squares)! So funny. During the littles bath last night, I asked her what she wanted to do when she was big like me. She said, "I want to get me a baby like this one of yours with his face all chocolatey! (He'd had a little ice cream cone!) :0)

Why I hate uploading

Here are some mushrooms we spied from the lane on our daily walk. I tried several times to also post a picture of Princess standing with them. It would not allow me to shrink it enough to actually upload. Bah. Ok. The mushrooms do not look it but they are rather big. Otherwise I would not have seen them from the lane. You'll have to take my word for it I guess.

The kitties are getting big!

Some boys being boys. They are attacking and apparently the big one has given up.

My apologies to anyone who tries to call when I'm struggling to upload pics. Honestly I just leave the computer alone mostly and check its progress occasionally. I really need to set up for messages while I'm on-line. Sorry....

More boring pictures

Yet another attempt to show the pretty flowers. Still not good but a different view-from the front yard.

Remember the mud room? It's nearly finished! The floor is temporary. We'll want to change it when the kitchen gets remodeled so we just put down something a bit cheap. The side I took the pic from is where the many shoes are. Lucien plans to build shelves. I would like to label a section for each individual and maybe hang a curtain in front of them. Still haven't completely decided what the rest of the room is 'for.' Lucien is calling it his office and it will serve as overflow seating when we have company for meals.

The new to us table which fits us all. In the background, you can see the new bookshelves to the right of the baby gate. To the left are the baskets for each guys' school materials. You can't see it but the 'stage piano' is next to the green chair. Across from the piano is the new home for the art table. Boy3 likes to have it there in front of the window.

How scary does this look? Lucien took the pics and next thing I knew a couple of bees were chasing him away. I think they sense his fear (snicker, snicker).

On Saturday, I decided to go to Bed B*th and Beyond to find a new pillow-my b-day present. I had never been. I wasn't expecting 3 walls of kitchen gadgets and pianoman had to drag me away, but not before I grabbed salad tongs. I'm still drooling thinking about it. I really haven't been shopping much at all for years. Princess like to so maybe we'll do that more in the future.

I can't 'get into' the poetry book. Help!

While I do dishes, I have a fine view of the front yard. The other evening, boy5 and Lucien were in the driveway. Lucien was bending down pulling weeds from out of the gravel. Boy5 put his hand on Lucien's shoulder and bent over also and looked up into his dad's face. I wish I had a picture of that but writing it down is second best.

I finally realized at 7am today after a 3rd night of being woken up too often to count that boy5 is getting another molar. If he'd been crying and fussy, I likely would've been quicker to know but he's just been restless so I wondered if it was just a schedule change or some other thing. Tonight, he'll be medicated and I will get some sleep, that is, if Lassie does not bark at whatever she sees move all night.

I am trying to get out of my brain candy phase and am therefore re-reading Barnaby Rudge by Dickens. I also have checked out a book of English verse. I am so not good at poetry. Reading it that is. But I remember when I wasn't good at Dickens so it must be a thing I can learn, right?

We netfli*ed North and South. I am liking it even better the second time watching it. Someone had been playing the soundtrack recently--maybe that is why? ;-)

Ramblings

I told someone a while back that a perfect schedule day is when I can get schooling done with the littles in the morning, all meals prepared well, a walk some time during the day, and our quiet time in. A great quiet time is when I can get the oldest 4 to read or do something quiet while I lie down with boy5 and princess and both boy5 and princess actually fall asleep in a reasonable amount of time and I get some time to read or maybe even fall asleep. Since I had princess out late last night and boy5 woke me up every hour from 11pm to 4am, all three of us needed a nap today. I'm happy to say it's been a great perfect schedule day so far.

The thing I've noticed about my nap times is that I often wake up just when I think I'm going to figure something incredible out. Usually it is noise from one of the boys who are supposed to be reading that wakes me and it irks me muchly, but at any rate, I wonder why my dreams in the afternoon are so blurry. Why it always seems like I can't quite grasp what someone was trying to tell me.

So I was thinking about this when some small squabble woke me today. Then I started thinking about terms that have had the word 'hyper' added to their fronts. And that people often argue about such terms when in fact--they just haven't defined their basis for the terms in the first place. We all define such things using our backgrounds, our experiences, negative or positive. I wonder if some of it couldn't just be cleared up over a good beer....uh, or coffee or whatever else you like to drink. Mostly I prefer water.

I learned recently that because of my various connections, I am likely to be considered part of the hyper-patriarchy movement. Interesting. It sort of reminds me of the discussion I had with a female ob/gyn just before princess was due about how I had been duped in the 90s into thinking that vbacs were good. That I was putting my baby's life and mine in danger for wanting another vbac, and basically how stupid could I possibly be? I still wish I had not had preggy brain at that moment. There are a few things I wish I had said and done--esp. since 4 of my boys were sitting there listening. Hopefully most of them were young enough not to understand the high falutin' words she used to slam their mother down.

It seems like people love to talk about freedom and choices but only if you want to make the same choices and have the same freedoms they want. If you don't happen to think of their freedoms as particular freedoms you want, then you are enslaved. If I am part of whatever hyper movement, then I must be one of those that bakes my own bread from whole grain which I ground myself, I must wear dresses all the time and have very long hair, my children must be perfectly behaved at all times, we must have at least one sort of milking animal and make our own cheese, etc, and the list just goes on and on.

Stereotypes are why I hate to associate myself with any labels whatsoever.

I have also heard a lot about various family integrated churches across the country simply not doing well. Many splits, many conflicts. I wonder if it is mostly based on unmet expectations. Some of which based on since we've all come to this decision to worship together as a family then we've all arrived and we all really must agree on every other issue under the sun. I don't have to say that it simply isn't possible, do I? Or that none of us ever arrive.

Anyway, it's all still too blurry for me to figure out.

38

As of yesterday, I am finished with my 37th year. It feels really good. I like the number 38.

We had an interesting day. First, we decided to build some shelves in the open space between the LR and where the piano is. Deciding that created that whole domino effect. By the end of the day I had:

1. organized all the books.
2. moved my storage cabinet that contains school supplies not being used yet and organized that also.
3. moved all princess' clothing into her room (it had stayed in my closet which is large enough but well, you know...)
4. created a new storage solution for the biggest guys' clothing.
5. cleaned princess' room--organized all the doll stuff.
6. came up with a new plan to create 3 actual BRs with doors here. (I always love my newest plans but let's see how long this one lasts...)

Rather productive day.

Tonight, I am planning to take princess to a baby shower with me. Boy3 said I have to take boy5 because a baby shower is where everyone brings their baby, strips him/her, and puts them all in the shower. He has a very odd sense of humor, doesn't he?

Anyway, I am excited to take princess with me. I had so much fun cleaning her room with her. We have very different ideas of where things should go. I received much instruction. Too cute. In a way, small children are all alike--boy or girl, but then there are the sweet differences. Girls seem to have this pretty smell about them--maybe it's all the hair (shampoo, products, etc). I would really love it if God gives her a sister....

We got Fiddler on the Roof from the library again. We watched the part where he sings If I were a rich man about 5 times. We laugh and laugh when he dances. Oldest decided we should buy the movie.

We are getting so much rain! I have great hopes for the garden this year! Oldest staked the tomato plants yesterday.

Oh, I made whoopie pies again yesterday as my birthday cake. I made chocolate ones and put tiny choc chips in the filling. Yum.

We finally had pianoman's men's breakfast on Saturday. I served Kr*spy Kreme doughnuts, juice, coffee, and breakfast casserole. Lucien read an excerpt from Thoughts for Young Men and said a prayer/blessing. It was ....rainy. They had a great time and when it finally cleared enough to have the target practice, there were a few that hadn't left yet. I'm not sure why his special days always seem rainy. But we are thankful for the rain.



On Sunday, the full circle issue was complete. We became members again at the church we had originally joined when we moved here.



When I first started blogging, it was to relate 'our journey.' Journey indicating I thought, as I previously stated, there was a destination. It had a beginning, why shouldn't it have an end--was my thinking. About 7 or 8 years ago, I came to a place where I found that my faith was built on someone else's foundation. I had allowed others to dictate what worship meant, who God is--all that. Realizing that caused everything to crumble beneath me. I questioned everything. I read much. I read the Bible front to back for what it said--not what others had told me it said--not their intepretation, but as it was and in context. I read classics by Emerson, Ben Franklin. I read the puritans. I like the puritans still. Lucien and I had many discussions and we had studies with others who helped much. It was a time that could have been very negative but it wasn't--it was amazing.



When we moved here and joined our church, we didn't realize that there were things happening. Then 6 months after we joined, we heard things that alarmed us. We had no idea what or who to believe about it all. Within 6 months after that, there was the group breaking off to form the second church we were at. Of course, around this time, we also found out I was pregnant. I should never make decisions that huge while pregnant.



It was me that had finally convinced Lucien to leave our church. He says I should not blame myself as he has the final word as the head of the household, but I was, I fear, like that continual dripping -as the woman in Proverbs. Enter here also my issues of trust and all that. He knew I was afraid.



Thing is, when you are not where God wants you, he lets you know pretty quickly. Being that I was pregnant, I could ignore it for a while. Shortly before the baby came, something happened to wake me up. Within 6 months after that, I wanted out. Within 10 months, I felt I was being buried alive.



Lucien told me no--we could not just leave. We were getting too good at that. We were in it for the long haul. Besides, why should he listen to me again? I was wrong before and likely enough to be wrong again. The numbers at the second church dwindled. The stress and isolation at times were overwhelming. I felt more and more shackled. My creativity? Well, you read my blog. You tell me how it's been in the last year.



When Lucien went away for work, I had said I wouldn't go to church without him. But I did. I was faithful, but it was so hard all around. On his last visit home before the lay off, I begged--could we please leave? He initially said no. At one point during the visit tho, I lost it--hysterically weeping on the floor in a corner of my room. Then he said to stay home on Sundays while he was still away.



Around the same time, we were invited to a friend's son's baptism at our church (now). Lucien had to go back out of state and couldn't go but said the children and I should go. I have heard that someone said I was very brave to go back without Lucien that first time. Maybe. When you feel you've been buried alive, there's a time to dig out--no matter what pain comes. I needed hope, joy, the strength to live out the work God has given to me do with peace. And for the first time in a long time, I came home that Sunday feeling able.



The transition has not been easy. I am sorry that leaving the second church has hurt some friends. Very sorry. I have mentioned boxes--we just didn't fit in that box at all! I hope someday they can understand that.



As I mentioned in the previous post, I hope I am wiser now. I hope I can be submissive. I am sure the last 2 years would've been hard either way. But easier had I not been the continual dripping. I remember one friend (on-line) asking me to be patient with the situation. She did not know the particulars but reminded me things are not always what they seem and leaving may not help anything. I wish I had listened. And yet, I know God has used it all for the best and taught me so much more.

I know there was a lot of generalizations in here and there is much I did not share. If I did, I would be no better off for it. And neither would those it involves. I can only share what involves me directly. We have been welcomed back with open arms at church. Forgiveness all around. And love. Like being back with family.

So that is the end of my full circle story. I maybe should have split it up. Sorry it's such a long post!

Our 4th!

Firstly, here is our playground. Note the old John Deere ride-on mower. A few of the boys and Lucien removed its guts and it is now a ride-on toy. Pretty cool, huh? I still need a zip line like JenIG's.... :-)

I can't seem to take a picture that adequately shows how pretty these are. I'll keep trying.

We went to the 4th celebration at the Coomes center yesterday. There was a free swim (which only my littlests wanted to do), free climbing wall, free bounce house and slide, free cotton candy and of course there's the playground and some music. This year it was some young guys pretending to be the Beatl8s in the 60's. Suits and weird hair and fake british accents. At least I thought they were fake. But they did the songs well and Lucien and princess had a great time dancing down by the stage. I didn't know they were going--thought they were still on the playground. So I don't have a picture of that. I also don't have a picture of the 2 from the next picture actually going down the slide since my camera is still blurring at times.

The olders didn't want to swim since they were anxious to get selling glow sticks. We decided that since Lucien is still laid off we would use the money for school books. We made nearly enough for what I basically need. The rest can wait a few months. God is good to us.

There was a t-storm at about 6 but we packed up the glow sticks and pulled out our picnic and were able to get a table under cover. By the time we were done, so was the rain. Oddly, shortly after we came home, we had 2 more pretty good storms move through. So thankful it waited until after the fireworks--which were splendid, btw.

Can anyone tell me why people bother going anywhere--people that would obviously be happy sitting on their sofas using their cell phones, that is?

Am I any wiser?

With Lucien home, I have little time to think. He's a doer and it's great but when one feels always on the go--well, you know. No time to think.

My friend's daughter did not make it through last night. Please continue to pray for the family. As I had said, we had kept up some hope, but now she is healed and happy with her Savior. But there is a hole, I'm sure, left in her family. May He heal that also and may they know His peace which passes my understanding.

There is a situation in our lives in which we've come full circle. Hopefully wiser, hopefully.

I spent a good deal of time last year trying to figure out who are the fruitcakes. Well, I figured it out. It is all of us, myself included. Kerri or someone had a quote by George Carlin--something like: Have you ever noticed that everyone driving slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster is a maniac? It's true of so much, isn't it? Humbling thing to realize that in looking for those that are 'likeminded,' we divide everyone into those groups. We may not give those labels exactly, but we write people off.

I'm not saying we need to accept sin or heresy. Please do not read that into the rest of my thoughts. There are definite things as Christians on which we can and should agree. Then there is so much which is personal conviction....the 'gray' areas (not my favorite way to put it).

Back to the fact that I'm a sinner. Yep, I really am. And I've been guilty of making decisions based on thinking maybe I'm less of a sinner than someone else. Rather than listening to God's voice about the matter or thinking what is best for our family, it is easy to make decisions based on past experiences which may have taught me not to trust. Not trusting is good sometimes but it hurts relationships that have nothing to do with the former experiences. I'm guilty then of holding on to irrational fears.

I have learned that I hate labels or associating myself with this or that group. Even homeschooling. If one learns we homeschool, they automatically think certain things. Things which may or may not be true. It places us in boxes. In a way, we look for the boxes. My friend who brought up the herd mentality was right. We do search out those most like minded. We like--no, love to hear that we are right about certain things. Being around those who agree is a pleasant thing.

And yet, God did not make us all to agree perfectly on everything (which means we don't fit in the same boxes). I have learned that also is good and it is fun. Instead of thinking I must make myself over to be sure I am just exactly aligned with this or that person, I now actually may be mature enough to say--This is me. God made me how I am and if He wants a change, He'll surely point it out.

By the same token, I pray that I can be gracious to those around me. To allow others to be at peace where God has them and not try to drag them to my spot in life. (If you feel I have not been gracious, feel free to hold me to this.)

When we moved here 3 years ago, I thought I'd find so many answers. I thought this was a destination. In some ways, we did find what we were looking for. My family has been so blessed and encouraged by others in ways beyond my imagining. I am so happy we are here, but I realize I had set up so much store on things that didn't matter. The answers I thought were so important--aren't. I've gone back to the basics I guess.

Simple, separate, deliberate.

Anyway. My friend's daughter having died reminds me that God gives us so much and only so much time to do it in. No guarantees. May I be more careful to do that which is most important to Him. And a better steward of my time....

prayer request

My heart is so heavy tonight. http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/rachaelkligmann I do not know this family personally but have chatted with the mom on momys chat from time to time. I can not imagine the pain. It seemed there was hope for a time there. It is hard to understand why the limbo. Why the waiting. Maybe these are times when our medical technology just isn't all that great?

Please keep them all in prayer. Thanks.